Family Secrets and Other Difficult Family Dynamics

Family Secrets and Other Difficult Family Dynamics

In some families, even loving ones, there are secrets being kept and things left unsaid. There may be regrets for things done and not done, but no one speaks of it. You or other family members may feel trapped in roles defined by the group that don't really fit. And you may feel that in order to be loved and accepted by the group, you have to play along, even though you don't want to and it makes you very unhappy. No one is allowed to say Aunt So-and-so is alcoholic, or that Cousin Whoever says mean things to everyone or slaps his children. This is a very unhappy kind of family situation, but really not uncommon.


Remember the story of The Emperor's New Clothes? The emperor was fooled by a con man into purchasing what he's been told are the finest clothes, but clothes that can only be seen by the people with the finest taste. Not wanting to admit he can't see the clothes, the emperor buys nothing and "wears" them in a large parade. It takes a young child to say the truth: that the emperor is naked.

Though you can't control other family members, remember that you can control yourself and how you react and what you say. You actually can start saying the things that aren't supposed to be said. I did in my own family, a little at a time at first and then more. I started speaking up when they said something that was blatantly untrue and I quit using euphemisms and spoke up when I saw bad behavior. It had remarkable results. It was not without upset, but in the end it was so much more healthy for everyone. And for me, it set me free!

Even if you only start to imagine saying things to your family but not actually saying it out loud, it will help you feel better and more free. It's even good to think of funny comments you could say, because one of the problems with family dynamics like this is it winds up making you feel small. Have you noticed how you feel in those situations? Do you dread family gatherings?

You can't control the others, but neither can they control you if you refuse. You don't have to play the game and they can't make you! That gives you power in these family situations which presently, you aren't using. I think popping off a wise-crack in your head, even if you don't say it, will help you to feel stronger and more invulnerable to the family dynamic.

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